1 00:00:03,170 --> 00:00:06,840 - You got a date tonight? - No. 2 00:00:09,092 --> 00:00:11,470 Aren't you gonna ask me if I do? 3 00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:14,973 Okay. You got a date tonight? 4 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:17,476 Sure, rub my nose in it. 5 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,189 Besides, I'd rather hang out with you and Jake... 6 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:25,525 ...than engage in mindless conversation with some strange woman... 7 00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:28,403 ...in the desperate hope that she might sleep with me. 8 00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:32,491 Me too. 9 00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:36,036 If we can't lie to each other, who can we lie to? 10 00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:38,455 To family. 11 00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:45,921 - Who is it? - It's Mom. 12 00:00:46,088 --> 00:00:47,631 Oh, odds. 13 00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:50,634 - Once, twice, three, shoot. - Once, twice, three, shoot. 14 00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:53,679 Hey, Mom. 15 00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,597 No, I don't have a date tonight. 16 00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:57,849 Don't you wanna know about Alan? 17 00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:02,938 So, what's up? 18 00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:04,898 Yes, I got your message. 19 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,733 I was gonna call you back, but... 20 00:01:07,526 --> 00:01:09,444 I was. 21 00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:11,238 I was. 22 00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:13,323 I was. 23 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,450 Okay, I wasn't. 24 00:01:17,369 --> 00:01:18,912 I'm sorry. 25 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,581 And do you wanna tell me why you called? 26 00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:23,959 I said, I'm sorry. 27 00:01:24,126 --> 00:01:28,588 I am sorry. I am. I am. 28 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:31,216 All right, I'm not. 29 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:34,386 So, what's up? Tomorrow? 30 00:01:34,553 --> 00:01:37,681 Yeah, sure. One of us will be here. 31 00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:43,603 I'll be here. 32 00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:47,023 All right, gotta go. Love you. 33 00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:49,609 No, I'm not just saying that. 34 00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:51,319 I'm not. 35 00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:52,988 No, I'm not. 36 00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:56,533 Mom, we both know where this going. 37 00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,537 - Sorry to stick you with her. - Yeah, sure. 38 00:02:00,704 --> 00:02:02,038 - I am. - Right. 39 00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:03,582 - I am. - Whatever. 40 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:06,251 Okay, I'm not. 41 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:07,919 Schmuck. 42 00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:13,300 For 30 years, every time I call odds, he throws a two, and I'm the schmuck. 43 00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:15,093 - Hey, buddy. - Hey, Dad. 44 00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:18,388 - Here's the bill for Jake's class trip. - Why give it to me? 45 00:02:18,597 --> 00:02:20,557 - So you can pay it. - Me? 46 00:02:20,724 --> 00:02:22,726 What's the point of giving child support... 47 00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:24,561 ...if you don't support the child? 48 00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:26,646 Child support doesn't cover class trips. 49 00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:28,940 - Says who? - You wanna make an issue of this? 50 00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:32,527 Have your lawyer call mine. They can decide who pays for class trips. 51 00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:35,447 Oh, I'm sorry. Class trips? 52 00:02:35,614 --> 00:02:38,450 I'm happy to pay for class trips. 53 00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:42,496 I thought you said "ass clips." 54 00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:44,206 What are ass clips? 55 00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:46,958 I don't know, but I don't intend to pay for them. 56 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,127 Goodbye, Alan. 57 00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:54,382 At least we settled who pays for ass clips around here. 58 00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:56,384 Okay, Mom. Good talking to you. 59 00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:58,011 I'm gonna hang up now. 60 00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,138 Yes, I am. 61 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,807 I am. 62 00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:05,936 Okay, I'm not. 63 00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:17,405 - Jake's here. - Cool. 64 00:03:17,572 --> 00:03:20,075 It wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while. 65 00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:22,827 We don't know that. 66 00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:26,706 - Besides, you lost fair and square. - I don't think so. 67 00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:31,211 - I think you cheated. - At odds and evens? 68 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:34,339 How on earth does one cheat at odds and evens? 69 00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:39,427 Don't give me that big, cow-eyed, aw-shucks, Howdy Doody veneer. 70 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:43,265 - What? - You heard me. 71 00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:45,100 Yeah, I heard you... 72 00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:48,019 ...and as long as we're stringing random words together... 73 00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:49,813 ...shoebox, MoonPie, Band-Aid. 74 00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:54,359 Let me tell you something, Alan, and I say this with no agenda. 75 00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:58,780 I am not a judgmental person, but you, you are a horrible little man. 76 00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:02,909 You smile, tell everybody what they wanna hear... 77 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:05,954 ...but I know what goes on inside your grinning puppet head. 78 00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:09,624 You don't have a clue what's going on inside my puppet head... 79 00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:12,627 ...because to know that, you would have to be capable of... 80 00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:16,798 ...perceiving the world that exists beyond the tip of your penis. 81 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:20,301 Don't talk about my penis. You have not earned the right. 82 00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:23,596 You are a selfish man, Charlie. You're a user. 83 00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:27,100 You just suckle from the teat of life and you never give back. 84 00:04:27,308 --> 00:04:29,853 "Suckle from the teat of life"? 85 00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,564 Who are you, Henry Wadsworth Pinhead? 86 00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:35,442 - You call me that because I'm right. - I call you that... 87 00:04:35,608 --> 00:04:37,569 ...because you can wear a thimble as a hat. 88 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,238 Hey, what's going on? 89 00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:43,533 - Nothing. - Just hanging out. 90 00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:45,201 Cool. 91 00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:08,975 You know, if you guys were queer... 92 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:12,270 ...we'd be what they'd call an alternated family. 93 00:05:25,424 --> 00:05:28,594 - Morning. - Morning. 94 00:05:30,262 --> 00:05:31,847 I feel bad about last night. 95 00:05:32,347 --> 00:05:35,434 That's okay. I forgive you. 96 00:05:36,101 --> 00:05:37,686 I didn't apologize. 97 00:05:37,853 --> 00:05:41,148 Well, then I guess I'm just a bigger man than you are. 98 00:05:41,940 --> 00:05:43,400 I'm kidding. Forget about it. 99 00:05:44,568 --> 00:05:46,361 Okay. 100 00:05:46,528 --> 00:05:49,865 - What do you wanna do with Jake? - I don't know. How about a barbecue? 101 00:05:50,032 --> 00:05:54,661 Well, I'm sure the kid's delicious, but I think I'd rather have hamburgers. 102 00:05:55,412 --> 00:05:57,414 Dad, check it out. Mom bought me new shoes. 103 00:05:57,581 --> 00:06:00,626 - Very cool. - Yeah, they were really expensive. 104 00:06:00,834 --> 00:06:03,879 - I'll bet. - She said to give you the bill. 105 00:06:05,380 --> 00:06:07,049 What? Why do I get the bill? 106 00:06:07,257 --> 00:06:09,343 So you can give me a check to pay her back. 107 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,346 - Why? - She doesn't trust me with cash. 108 00:06:14,681 --> 00:06:17,309 No. Why should I be buying your shoes? 109 00:06:17,517 --> 00:06:19,811 You didn't. Mom did. 110 00:06:23,982 --> 00:06:27,110 This is so wrong. I send her a child support check every month... 111 00:06:27,277 --> 00:06:31,198 ...which is supposed to include things like clothing, food, shoes. 112 00:06:31,365 --> 00:06:35,869 Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whorehouse. 113 00:06:38,413 --> 00:06:39,748 Excuse me? 114 00:06:39,956 --> 00:06:43,877 You're constantly surprised that you've been screwed... 115 00:06:47,714 --> 00:06:49,674 ...and you don't wanna pay for it. 116 00:06:56,515 --> 00:06:58,600 - Morning. - Morning. 117 00:06:58,767 --> 00:07:01,311 Did you drop off the dry cleaning by the back door? 118 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:02,854 That was dry cleaning? 119 00:07:03,021 --> 00:07:05,774 I thought you were throwing that stuff out. 120 00:07:05,982 --> 00:07:07,150 You threw out my clothes? 121 00:07:07,567 --> 00:07:10,237 I gave them to my sister's husband, Earl. 122 00:07:10,821 --> 00:07:14,908 You gave three cashmere sweaters and a new sport coat to your brother-in-law? 123 00:07:15,117 --> 00:07:18,036 Why shouldn't he have nice things? 124 00:07:19,454 --> 00:07:22,040 He's paid his debt to society. 125 00:07:22,249 --> 00:07:23,583 You have to get them back. 126 00:07:23,792 --> 00:07:26,169 I wish I could, but Earl's got one withered arm... 127 00:07:26,336 --> 00:07:28,422 ...and he had all the left sleeves hemmed. 128 00:07:29,047 --> 00:07:30,966 Those were expensive clothes, Berta. 129 00:07:31,174 --> 00:07:33,009 Wanna take it out in trade, stud? 130 00:07:34,970 --> 00:07:38,223 Because this back brace snaps off with the flick of a wrist. 131 00:07:41,143 --> 00:07:43,145 Okay, okay, that's the last straw. 132 00:07:43,311 --> 00:07:47,107 You have abused my good nature for too long, and I am putting my foot down. 133 00:07:47,858 --> 00:07:50,902 Well, you let me know how that works out for you. 134 00:07:55,115 --> 00:07:57,200 I guess we know who's in charge around here. 135 00:07:57,742 --> 00:07:59,953 If I want your opinion, I'll ask your ex-wife. 136 00:08:03,206 --> 00:08:05,876 Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Well, if I want your opinion... 137 00:08:06,042 --> 00:08:10,088 ...I'll ask one of the dozens of women you have meaningless casual sex with. 138 00:08:10,297 --> 00:08:12,340 Oh, ouch. 139 00:08:13,675 --> 00:08:15,969 - Hey, Uncle Charlie? - What? 140 00:08:16,553 --> 00:08:18,889 - I love you. - What did you do, Jake? 141 00:08:19,556 --> 00:08:20,891 I love you too, Dad. 142 00:08:21,099 --> 00:08:23,310 - What did he do? - How am I supposed to know? 143 00:08:23,518 --> 00:08:25,228 Well, he's your knuckleheaded son. 144 00:08:25,395 --> 00:08:28,607 He's my knuckleheaded son now, but when you're trawling for tail... 145 00:08:28,773 --> 00:08:31,484 ...at The Home Depot, he's your slow but adorable nephew. 146 00:08:31,693 --> 00:08:34,738 I might as well get one perk out of having you sponge off me. 147 00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:37,574 - Sponge? Sponge? - Oh, that's a good idea. 148 00:08:37,782 --> 00:08:39,326 Well, let me tell you something. 149 00:08:39,492 --> 00:08:41,620 Take away your fancy house, your fancy car... 150 00:08:41,786 --> 00:08:43,496 ...your women, and what have you got? 151 00:08:43,705 --> 00:08:45,498 A better-Iooking version of you. 152 00:08:45,707 --> 00:08:47,751 Have I mentioned how much I hate you? 153 00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:49,836 Have I mentioned how much I hate you? 154 00:08:50,045 --> 00:08:51,755 - Don't copy me. - Don't copy me. 155 00:08:51,922 --> 00:08:53,590 - You're an idiot. - You're an idiot. 156 00:08:53,757 --> 00:08:56,885 - I'm warning you, Charlie. - I'm warning you, Charlie. 157 00:08:59,012 --> 00:09:01,473 How childish. 158 00:09:07,312 --> 00:09:09,522 Would you mind toasting my buns, please? 159 00:09:10,690 --> 00:09:12,192 To your buns. 160 00:09:14,027 --> 00:09:16,404 You sicken me. 161 00:09:18,665 --> 00:09:20,208 Hey. 162 00:09:20,375 --> 00:09:22,168 - Hey, Rose. - What's going on? 163 00:09:22,377 --> 00:09:24,295 Just making lunch. 164 00:09:27,674 --> 00:09:31,094 - Wanna join us? - Maybe some other time. 165 00:09:35,431 --> 00:09:39,185 A little garlic butter is also a good way to jazz up a hamburger bun. 166 00:09:39,394 --> 00:09:41,312 He's lucky all I'm doing is spitting. 167 00:09:42,397 --> 00:09:46,901 It doesn't take a master's in behavioral psychology, which I happen to have... 168 00:09:47,068 --> 00:09:50,613 ...to see that you and you brother have unresolved fraternal conflicts. 169 00:09:50,822 --> 00:09:52,448 Gee, you think? 170 00:09:53,574 --> 00:09:55,743 I think it might be therapeutic for you two... 171 00:09:55,910 --> 00:09:58,621 ...to sit down with someone and explore those conflicts. 172 00:09:58,830 --> 00:10:01,124 - You mean you? - Well, I could refer you... 173 00:10:01,290 --> 00:10:05,086 ...to the woman I talk to, but she doesn't exist. 174 00:10:05,253 --> 00:10:07,005 So, yeah. Me. 175 00:10:07,213 --> 00:10:10,800 Let's see. Couples counseling for me and Alan with you as the therapist. 176 00:10:11,008 --> 00:10:13,553 Why don't we just drop acid, run out into the ocean... 177 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:15,638 ...and pretend we're dolphins? 178 00:10:16,472 --> 00:10:18,850 You're exhibiting a lot of hostility, Charlie. 179 00:10:19,016 --> 00:10:21,102 You know what we psychologists call that? 180 00:10:21,269 --> 00:10:22,979 - What? - Hostility. 181 00:10:23,146 --> 00:10:26,023 Why would we need more than one word for it? 182 00:10:27,734 --> 00:10:31,738 Rose, I appreciate your concern, but Alan and I don't need therapy. 183 00:10:31,946 --> 00:10:34,532 Everything will work itself out. 184 00:10:46,752 --> 00:10:49,505 I'm just saying, I think it would really help you guys... 185 00:10:49,672 --> 00:10:52,841 ...if you could sit down and share your feelings. 186 00:10:57,763 --> 00:10:59,098 We're fine, Rose. 187 00:11:01,350 --> 00:11:04,103 - Choke on it, princess. - Bite me, bitch. 188 00:11:14,071 --> 00:11:15,948 I think he may have anticipated that. 189 00:11:48,814 --> 00:11:51,191 - How Freudian. - It's not Freudian. 190 00:11:53,861 --> 00:11:55,863 But mine's bigger. 191 00:11:56,780 --> 00:12:00,200 It's a banana, you moron. 192 00:12:00,659 --> 00:12:03,495 It's not just about you and Charlie, you know. 193 00:12:03,662 --> 00:12:06,039 There's that innocent little moppet to consider. 194 00:12:06,248 --> 00:12:07,624 Moppet? 195 00:12:12,045 --> 00:12:15,507 I'm baking air biscuits. Get them while they're hot. 196 00:12:16,383 --> 00:12:18,218 He may not be able to process it now... 197 00:12:18,385 --> 00:12:21,221 ...but he picks up on all the negative emotion around here. 198 00:12:21,638 --> 00:12:24,558 Save yourselves, run for your lives! 199 00:12:26,226 --> 00:12:28,896 Okay, well, if you can get Charlie to agree, I'll do it. 200 00:12:29,271 --> 00:12:31,064 - Good. - And as a rule... 201 00:12:31,273 --> 00:12:33,734 ...when says they're bad, take his word for it. 202 00:12:34,735 --> 00:12:38,155 Oh, please, Alan. I grew up with two older brothers and... 203 00:12:38,322 --> 00:12:40,699 Oh, my God! 204 00:12:44,369 --> 00:12:47,080 The only reason I let him live here is because of Jake. 205 00:12:47,247 --> 00:12:48,582 Go on. 206 00:12:48,749 --> 00:12:51,084 He was a pain in the ass when we were kids... 207 00:12:51,251 --> 00:12:54,922 ...and now he's blossomed into a three-fingered prostate exam. 208 00:12:55,756 --> 00:12:59,301 Have you considered the possibility that since you're the older brother... 209 00:12:59,468 --> 00:13:01,386 ...you harbor resentment towards him... 210 00:13:01,553 --> 00:13:03,597 ...for usurping Mommy's love and attention? 211 00:13:03,805 --> 00:13:05,516 I'm sorry, have you met my mother? 212 00:13:06,183 --> 00:13:08,268 Okay, so that's a no. 213 00:13:09,019 --> 00:13:11,021 Please don't try to psychoanalyze me. 214 00:13:11,230 --> 00:13:14,566 Oh, Charlie. Psychoanalysis takes years. 215 00:13:14,733 --> 00:13:17,027 I'm just messing around inside your head. 216 00:13:18,946 --> 00:13:21,240 Have you ever considered the possibility... 217 00:13:21,406 --> 00:13:24,368 ...that you are the primary male role model in Alan's life? 218 00:13:24,576 --> 00:13:27,704 And if his behavior is making you mad, he learned it from you. 219 00:13:27,871 --> 00:13:31,583 So, in fact, you are making you mad. 220 00:13:32,334 --> 00:13:33,835 That's nuts. 221 00:13:34,044 --> 00:13:37,673 Just sit with it for a moment. I think it's a pretty good insight. 222 00:13:39,633 --> 00:13:42,135 No, I'm gonna stick with nuts. 223 00:13:42,678 --> 00:13:44,429 And I don't wanna continue this. 224 00:13:44,638 --> 00:13:47,224 Do you feel you can't be totally honest with me... 225 00:13:47,432 --> 00:13:49,142 ...since we slept together? - No. 226 00:13:49,351 --> 00:13:51,103 Why can't you be totally honest? 227 00:13:51,311 --> 00:13:54,022 - I can be totally honest with you. - Really? 228 00:13:54,189 --> 00:13:56,149 How much did you like having sex with me? 229 00:13:57,150 --> 00:13:59,194 Let's go talk to Alan. 230 00:14:01,655 --> 00:14:04,449 And they wouldn't give me a license. 231 00:14:07,410 --> 00:14:10,622 All right. Let the healing begin, you pinhead. 232 00:14:10,830 --> 00:14:13,416 Can we refrain from counterproductive name-calling? 233 00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:16,711 Such big words from such a little head. 234 00:14:17,921 --> 00:14:19,589 Charlie, please sit down. 235 00:14:22,091 --> 00:14:24,385 Okay. Here are the ground rules. 236 00:14:24,552 --> 00:14:27,430 There will be no name-calling and no interrupting. 237 00:14:27,597 --> 00:14:31,351 The purpose of this is to air our feelings without judgment. 238 00:14:31,518 --> 00:14:33,728 - Alan, why don't you start? - Why does he start? 239 00:14:33,937 --> 00:14:35,313 - Would you like to start? - No. 240 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:37,232 Then shut up. 241 00:14:38,441 --> 00:14:40,318 Alan, you'll go first. 242 00:14:40,485 --> 00:14:44,656 And begin with the phrase, "I feel Charlie is 'blank.'" 243 00:14:45,406 --> 00:14:47,700 I don't think I can top that. 244 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:57,168 Okay, I feel like Charlie is... 245 00:14:57,710 --> 00:14:59,420 ...ashamed to have me as a brother. 246 00:15:00,213 --> 00:15:02,382 Well, there you go. Are we done? 247 00:15:02,966 --> 00:15:05,093 Charlie, you'll get your turn. 248 00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:07,554 When was the first time you felt that way, Alan? 249 00:15:08,471 --> 00:15:10,265 I guess on the playground. 250 00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:12,934 The first day of kindergarten, he told his friends... 251 00:15:13,101 --> 00:15:15,853 ...that I was a shaved monkey our mom won in a poker game. 252 00:15:19,107 --> 00:15:22,986 Charlie, why do you think you might have said something like that? 253 00:15:24,362 --> 00:15:28,408 Well, I guess deep down... 254 00:15:28,574 --> 00:15:31,703 ...I always wanted a shaved monkey. 255 00:15:32,745 --> 00:15:34,664 You promised Mom you would look after me. 256 00:15:34,998 --> 00:15:37,709 I was 7 years old. You can't trust a 7-year-old. 257 00:15:37,917 --> 00:15:41,170 You know how he looks after me? He gave me wedgies. 258 00:15:41,337 --> 00:15:43,464 From kindergarten on, I got daily wedgies. 259 00:15:43,631 --> 00:15:47,343 My butt cheeks didn't unclench until my second year of college. 260 00:15:47,969 --> 00:15:50,430 At which point, a long stick slid out. 261 00:15:53,891 --> 00:15:55,435 Let's try a little role-playing. 262 00:15:55,643 --> 00:15:59,480 He put dog poop in my Mork and Mindy lunchbox. 263 00:16:00,148 --> 00:16:02,608 Oh, will you please let that go? 264 00:16:03,234 --> 00:16:05,278 And by the way, if you think it through... 265 00:16:05,445 --> 00:16:07,530 ...we didn't have a dog. - What? 266 00:16:07,697 --> 00:16:09,991 Mom told me to make you lunch, I made you lunch. 267 00:16:10,783 --> 00:16:12,326 Oh, my God! Do you see... 268 00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:15,163 ...what I have been dealing with my entire life? 269 00:16:15,329 --> 00:16:19,167 The real genius was putting it in a hot-dog bun. 270 00:16:19,751 --> 00:16:21,586 All through the second grade... 271 00:16:21,753 --> 00:16:24,464 ...he would introduce me as his ugly sister, Alana? 272 00:16:25,423 --> 00:16:29,385 That's because all through second grade, you wore culottes. 273 00:16:29,969 --> 00:16:32,930 They were extra roomy Bermuda shorts. I was prone to chafing. 274 00:16:35,683 --> 00:16:40,313 Charlie, how did you feel when you were calling Alan a monkey or a girl... 275 00:16:40,521 --> 00:16:42,648 ...or putting excrement in his lunchbox? 276 00:16:43,649 --> 00:16:45,777 It's hard to describe. 277 00:16:45,943 --> 00:16:49,113 It was kind of a warm, satisfied feeling. 278 00:16:49,947 --> 00:16:51,824 And why do you think you felt that way? 279 00:16:52,784 --> 00:16:54,285 Because he was such a smartass. 280 00:16:54,452 --> 00:16:58,289 Straight A's, Mommy's favorite, Daddy's boy, stepdaddy's boy. 281 00:16:58,456 --> 00:17:00,333 Somebody had to take him down a peg. 282 00:17:00,875 --> 00:17:03,586 - You were jealous of me. - No, no. 283 00:17:03,753 --> 00:17:05,463 - I was annoyed. - I don't believe it. 284 00:17:05,630 --> 00:17:07,673 - You were jealous. - No, I wasn't. 285 00:17:07,882 --> 00:17:10,426 - Sounds like you were, Charlie. - You can't take sides. 286 00:17:10,593 --> 00:17:12,386 - That's unprofessional. - Professional? 287 00:17:12,553 --> 00:17:14,722 I'm just making this up as I go along. 288 00:17:15,973 --> 00:17:17,517 I'm drawing kitty-cats here. 289 00:17:20,186 --> 00:17:22,355 All these years, you had to put me down... 290 00:17:22,522 --> 00:17:25,358 ...because you secretly believed that I was better than you. 291 00:17:25,566 --> 00:17:27,360 No, that's ridiculous. 292 00:17:27,568 --> 00:17:30,196 I knew I was better, but I didn't think you knew. 293 00:17:30,404 --> 00:17:33,533 No, no, I didn't know that. There was nothing to know. 294 00:17:33,741 --> 00:17:36,661 I don't buy it. You were an emotionally wounded child. 295 00:17:36,869 --> 00:17:39,288 I wasn't wounded. I was the wounder. 296 00:17:39,455 --> 00:17:41,374 He was the woundee. 297 00:17:41,541 --> 00:17:44,335 I was a mean, rotten brother. You've gotta believe me. 298 00:17:44,502 --> 00:17:46,045 I tortured him. 299 00:17:46,254 --> 00:17:49,090 Once, I convinced him the clothes dryer was a time machine. 300 00:17:49,257 --> 00:17:51,759 When he got out, I was dressed in Pilgrim clothes... 301 00:17:51,926 --> 00:17:54,720 ...and threatened to burn him as a witch. 302 00:17:56,305 --> 00:18:00,142 And now I understand why you did all those things. 303 00:18:00,309 --> 00:18:03,187 - And I forgive you. - Don't forgive me. 304 00:18:03,354 --> 00:18:06,065 Hate me. Fear me. 305 00:18:06,732 --> 00:18:08,401 - Come here. - No. 306 00:18:08,609 --> 00:18:11,237 - Come on. Give me a hug. - No, forget it. 307 00:18:11,404 --> 00:18:14,240 - Would you rather hug me? - What would be the point of that? 308 00:18:14,699 --> 00:18:16,909 It gets me hot. 309 00:18:17,702 --> 00:18:20,246 All right, if it'll put an end to all this, one hug. 310 00:18:25,334 --> 00:18:26,669 Hey, what are you doing? 311 00:18:26,877 --> 00:18:31,424 Let's see how you like a wedgie. Where's your underwear? 312 00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:34,927 I'm not wearing any, but thanks for scratching my ass. 313 00:18:42,935 --> 00:18:46,314 - This turned out to be a nice weekend. - Yeah. Go figure. 314 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:48,649 Who would've thought Rose would be right? 315 00:18:48,858 --> 00:18:50,609 Certainly not Rose. 316 00:18:50,818 --> 00:18:53,237 She was right. We had a lot of baggage to clear up. 317 00:18:53,446 --> 00:18:56,365 - Yeah, and I'm glad we talked it out. - Me too. 318 00:18:56,532 --> 00:19:00,703 You know, when all is said and done, all we have in this world is each other. 319 00:19:01,579 --> 00:19:04,957 You, me and that methane cloud you call a son. 320 00:19:10,671 --> 00:19:12,465 - It's Mom. - Odds. 321 00:19:12,631 --> 00:19:14,967 That's okay. I got this one. 322 00:19:15,134 --> 00:19:17,720 - Thank you. - Hey, Mom. 323 00:19:17,887 --> 00:19:20,139 Oh, that's Judith. 324 00:19:20,306 --> 00:19:24,352 No, I'm just sitting here, enjoying the sunset with my favorite brother. 325 00:19:24,518 --> 00:19:26,270 Alan. 326 00:19:27,646 --> 00:19:31,692 I'm not lying. I'm not. I'm not. 327 00:19:31,859 --> 00:19:33,319 Okay, I am. 328 00:19:33,527 --> 00:19:36,489 Jake, your mom's here. 329 00:19:36,697 --> 00:19:40,117 - Hey, Judith, how's it going? - I just had a flat tire on the freeway... 330 00:19:40,284 --> 00:19:43,287 ...and called AAA, only to find out I no longer have AAA... 331 00:19:43,454 --> 00:19:46,791 ...because you no longer pay my dues. - Excuse me, but we're divorced. 332 00:19:46,957 --> 00:19:49,085 - You pay that out of your alimony. - No. 333 00:19:49,251 --> 00:19:52,171 Because you didn't, I had to stand on the side of the road... 334 00:19:52,338 --> 00:19:55,299 ...until a creepy man stopped and offered to change my tire... 335 00:19:55,466 --> 00:19:56,926 ...if I'd show him my breasts. 336 00:19:57,134 --> 00:20:00,429 Well, there you go. I paid for your breasts. 337 00:20:00,638 --> 00:20:03,140 Okay, fine. We'll let our attorneys figure out... 338 00:20:03,349 --> 00:20:05,684 ...who pays for roadside service. - No attorneys. 339 00:20:05,851 --> 00:20:07,561 - I'm happy to pay for it. - Thank you. 340 00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:11,732 - Was that so hard? - No. No, not hard at all. 341 00:20:11,941 --> 00:20:14,360 - Bye, Dad. - Bye, buddy. 342 00:20:17,571 --> 00:20:19,156 In fact, it was easy. 343 00:20:19,323 --> 00:20:23,160 All I had to do was bend over and unclench. 344 00:20:24,495 --> 00:20:25,871 Okay, I said it. 345 00:20:26,038 --> 00:20:28,457 Mom, you just said I said it. 346 00:20:47,567 --> 00:20:50,737 - Have fun at school. - All right. 347 00:20:50,904 --> 00:20:52,989 Charlie, wait up. 348 00:20:53,156 --> 00:20:55,492 - Did you make Alan's lunch? - Yep. 349 00:20:55,659 --> 00:20:57,744 Hey, wait. You forgot to kiss me goodbye. 350 00:20:57,911 --> 00:20:59,871 - No, I didn't. - Yes, you did. 351 00:21:00,038 --> 00:21:02,123 - I didn't. - Yes, you did. 352 00:21:02,290 --> 00:21:06,544 - Okay, I did. - Charlie, wait up. 353 00:21:30,193 --> 00:21:32,278 Subtitles by SDI Media Group 354 00:21:32,445 --> 00:21:34,531 [ENGLISH]